Let’s start from the very beginning

I read a funny piece in Maclean’s about the lack of humour in Canadian politics, citing the need for a new party that could laugh at itself.  I love laughing at myself, better yet making others laugh, yes, even at, but hopefully a bit with, me.

But a frivolous political party – at least one that is really serious about it! – in the interest of fully exploiting the humourous ironic potential of the situation, ought to have some really strait-laced, straight-faced constitutional underpinnings upon which the comedy is then built.  The cognitive dissonance will drive people crazy.

I propose therefore, a set of principles from which policy for the Another Party shall be derived.  I’ll leave it to others to make good fun of it all.

First:  Truth exists, in a Platonic, ideal sorta way, and, like that other, more paradoxical Greek, Zeno tells us, we can get close, but no touching, let alone any heavy petting.

Second: We have figured out some pretty clever ways to know we are getting closer to copping a feel of Truth (what a hunk/hot babe!), and the best we have found so far is the scientific method, and the application of reason and logic.  The best scientists know they will forever remain epistemologically celibate, and that simply flirting with Truth is their only reward.  The rest just make me feel dirty as they grope about in all directions in their intellectual darkness.

Third:  Math works.  We can hate it and (try to) make fun of it, but as a language for expressing our understanding of the world, and modeling it, it is unsurpassed.   Sorry, I’m just not funny enough to make people laugh about math.  Ok, ok, ok, alright already!  I’ll try.  Why is six afraid of seven?  Because seven ate nine.  Pi are round.  There.  Pleased with yourself?  Sicko.

Fourth:  Math lies.  Herein lies the real humour.  Like any language, math can be used to tell the truth or to lie.  Here are some mathematical whoppers you might have heard: “This new program will create 3,000 new jobs” or “This program will come in on-time, on-budget” or “Temperatures will rise by 2.0°C to 4.5°C by 2100” or, my current favourite, “This quantitative easing of infinity trillion dollars will stimulate the economy, and get it back on track!”  ROTFLMAO!  Man, these guys come up with some knee-slappers!  If we are on track, WE’LL GET HIT BY A TRAIN! Duh.  Did you notice the engineer?  It was a black swan wearing a striped cap and overalls…

Fifth: It ain’t so simple.  This, to a comedian, is a barn-door-hole even a drunk, benzedrine-pumped sleep-deprived long-haul semi trucker could drive an intermodal freight-container-load o’ jokes through!  I’ll leave it to the pros.

Sixth: Because of all the above, in order to get control of the situation, we must abandon control.  Any good comedian knows he may be able to work the crowd, but control it?  The best comedians (and ALL politicians!) are at their best and most humourous when out-of-control.  Remember Robin Williams when he was in control?  BORING!  Thankfully for the world of comedy, he is losing it again.

Seventh: Bottom’s up!  It’s always easier to get a laugh from the well-lubricated, and a good communal mooning can always draw a smile from a certain audience, but the treble-entendre I am trying to get at here is that grass-roots, Tea-Party-esque vibe.  They sure knew how to throw a political party way back then in Boston, eh?

That’s it.  The seven founding philosophical principles upon which to build the policy platform for the Another Canadian political party.

And, I should add, I am dead serious about those being founding principles.  Of something.  Seriously.